The Red Head from Californie By: Cartman's Girl [Warnings; Song.] [Scene is Mr. Garrison's class room, view from the back of the class. There's a new girl standing at the front of the class, she's 'big boned' like Cartman, and has long red hair. She also has a beauty spot on her right cheek.] MR. GARRISON: Well why don't you tell the class about yourself Tina? TINA: Well, I used to live in California. But because daddy's business got ruined, we all moved here. I don't know why really, maybe because my uncle lives here. STAN: Were you rich? TINA: Oh yes. I used to go to a really lame ass private school. Thank God I'm out of that now. MR. GARRISON: Who's your uncle Tina? TINA: My uncle Tom owns the rhinoplasty around here. MR. GARRISON: Oh. TINA: But he doesn't look the same. He's had that many operations on himself. KYLE: Do you have any other brothers or sisters? TINA: Oh yeah, my sister Maria, but she's in grade six. So is my brother Patrick. They're twins. KENNY: {Is your sister good looking?} TINA: Well, you asked, she's a big bitch who is everything a man could want. She's beautifully bodied nothing wrong, no zits and I hate her guts! KENNY: {Cool.} MR. GARRISON: Thank you Tina, you may sit next to Eric. [Tina takes her seat, Cartman's looking at her and smiling that goofy 'in love' smile. Tina looks at him through the corner of her eye.] CARTMAN: *sigh!* MR. GARRISON: All right now class, we're going to learn all about Australia. Australia is an island that has a lot of animals with pouches jumping around... WENDY *to TINA*: Hey Tina, I'm Wendy. And this is Bebe. BEBE: Hi! TINA: Hi there. WENDY: You want to eat with us at lunch? TINA: Sure! MR. GARRISON: Tina! Are you listening to what I'm saying? TINA: Yes Mr. Garrison sir. MR. GARRISON: Well what did I just say? [Pause.] TINA: You said that even though Crocodile Dundee was famous, the chick scored most of the attention? MR. GARRISON: Well I guess you were listening. [Lunch.] [Tina walks into the room and sees Pip sitting by himself. She goes up to him.] TINA: Hey there. [Pip looks up, someone's talking to him?] PIP: 'Allo Tina. TINA: Hi. What's your name? PIP: My name is Phillip Pirrip, but everyone calls me Pip. Because they hate me. TINA: Then I will call you Phillip. [He looks shocked.] TINA: See you around Phillip. [She walks off. Pip's still in shock. The guys are at their table, Cartman hasn't touched his food, and he's staring at a direction. We see where he's looking. Tina's at the table with Wendy and Bebe.] BEBE: So Tina, how do you like South Park so far? TINA: Heh, it kicks ass dude. Seriously, it's so much better than that lame ass town I used to live in. WENDY *noticing the coincidence with her and Cartman*: Uhhh, didn't you like California? TINA: Aw hell no! That place was hella-lame. All those dick butlers doing what you want them to do. I got bored all the time. And I wasn't very popular. I can't figure out why. BEBE: Did you have a boy friend? TINA: Aw no! There weren't any boys in my last school, it was an all girls school and a boarding. More like boring school. WENDY: That would've sucked. TINA: It did. No one to perv on. [Tina takes some bites out of her sandwich. Wendy and Bebe look at each other.] BEBE: Is it just me, or do you have a separate personality in class and out of it? TINA: Yeah, I'm like that. I act all smart and stuff in class, but I'm not really. That guy next to me told me what that guy with the puppet had said. BEBE: Cartman helped you out? TINA: Yeah, he told me. [Over at the boys table.] KYLE: Cartman, you haven't touched your food. STAN: That's got to be a first. CARTMAN: AY! Shut up. I'm just full toady. KENNY: {Whoa! The bottomless pit has filled up!} [Cartman punches Kenny.] [Back at the girl's table.] BEBE: Have you seen anyone you like so far? TINA: Some of the boys here are annoying. Like that kid in the orange parka. BEBE: Kenny? TINA: Is that his name? He pissed me off with his question. WENDY: Well you see that boy down there? [she points off screen] He's my boyfriend Stan. TINA *looks*: That kid who asked me if I was rich? WENDY: Yeah. TINA: Don't worry Wendy, I won't steal him from you. BEBE: Whoa, how'd you know? TINA: I pick things up fast, that old line; 'He's my boyfriend' is bound to be followed by; "Stay away from my man, bitch! Or I'll whop your sorry whore ass back to last year!" [Everyone stops and stares, because Tina has risen her voice to a scream.] TINA: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT?! [Everyone turns back to what they were doing.] WENDY: Whoa dude! BEBE: Well, do you like anyone here? TINA: Kind of. [She blushes slightly.] WENDY: Who? TINA: If I tell you, well you promise not to let on, will you? BEBE: Not a word. TINA: Come in closer... [Wendy and Bebe come closer.] TINA: That "Cartman" kid. [She goes bright red. Wendy and Bebe giggle a bit.] TINA: Well, you promise not to tell any one? BEBE/WENDY: We promise. WENDY: Hey, why don't I go over there to talk to Stan, and as I do, you can talk to Cartman? TINA: Could I?! He's not any ones, is he? BEBE: Hell no! [Tina stands up suddenly.] TINA: Then what the hell are we sitting here for?! Let's go! [Over at the boy's table.] KYLE: Hey, here comes Wendy with that new girl. [Cartman looks up quickly.] CARTMAN: Really?! [Wendy, Bebe and Tina come up.] WENDY: Hi Stan! STAN: Oh, hi Wendy. [As Stan and Wendy talk, Tina tries to get a conversation going with Cartman.] TINA: So, you're Cartman? CARTMAN: Yeah? TINA: Is that your first or second name? CARTMAN: Last. TINA: I had a nickname in my old school too. CARTMAN: Really? What was it? TINA: Alver. CARTMAN: Alver? TINA: Yeah. My names Tina Liane Alvereze. CARTMAN: Your middle name's Liane? My mom's name is Liane! TINA: Really? Oh...I mean..Cool. CARTMAN: My names Eric Theodore Cartman [He looks worried, for he just told her his middle name, will she laugh?] TINA: Theodore? My dad's name is Theodore! [Kyle and Kenny are staring at Cartman and Tina.] KYLE *to KENNY*: Do you see a relationship brewing? KENNY: {Yeah.} TINA: Well, I better get going. See ya Cartman. [Tina walks off, she's smiling to herself.] CARTMAN: *sigh* [Later after school, waiting for the bus.] STAN: So, what do you think of Tina? CARTMAN: Oh, she's pretty cool. KYLE: You like her, don't you? CARTMAN: It's none of your business hippie! TINA (os): GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU TREE HUGGIN' HIPPIE! HURT SOUND: PAFT! [Clyde goes running by, he's got a black eye.] TINA *walking on screen*: Trying to come onto me you fucking hippie. [She's rubbing her fist. Cartman's got hearts in his eyes.] STAN: A match made in fat-ass heaven. TINA and CARTMAN: AY! WE'RE NOT FAT! WE'RE BIG BONED! [They stare at each other, Tina blushes again and Cartman smiles.] STAN: What did I say? TINA: You call me fat again and I'll whop your ass back to last year and the year before that! I'm very sensitive about my weight. [As she says this, she's grabbed Stan by the collar and clenching her teeth.] STAN: Yes ma'am! [She smiles at him.] [Later that night. Scene is Cartman's bedroom, he's over a little book, and he's writing stuff into it.] CARTMAN (in his head): Oh there are girls, many other girls. But none as sweet as my dear Tina. [He scribbles it in.] [Later that night, we see he's now on the last page of the book.] CARTMAN: E is for every time I see her standing there, R is for her long red hair, I is for her bright blue eyes and C is the last letter in the word ERIC...DUH! [He puts the book down into his bag and then goes to bed.] [Next Day at the Bus Stop. Kyle, Stan and Kenny are standing there] STAN: Man, that Tina can be a real bitch. KYLE: Yeah, the way she almost pounded you yesterday! KENNY: {She's so fat that she could've sat on you and made you a pancake!} [They laugh, as soon as Cartman comes on screen, they stop.] CARTMAN: What are you guys laughing about? STAN: Nothi - I mean Terrace and Philip last night. CARTMAN: Hey, wasn't Terrace and Philip cancelled last night for the news? KYLE: Oh yeah. I mean we were laughing at the episode before that. CARTMAN: Oh. KENNY: {So, Cartman, how are you and Tina coming along then?} CARTMAN: Fine. STAN: Have you asked her out? CARTMAN: Man, I haven't known her for a week yet! She could be a totally different person in a week! KENNY: {What, fatter?} [His eyes bulge, he didn't watch what he was saying. Cartman looks at him, and Cartman looks pissed off.] CARTMAN: What did you say? KENNY: {Uhhh, I said that she'd be better?!} CARTMAN: No you didn't! You said that she'd be fatter! YOU SON OF A BITCH! [Cartman starts to beat up Kenny. Stan and Kyle watch on in shock. Tina comes walking up.] TINA (looking at the fight): What's happening? KYLE: Kenny called you fat, and Cartman's protecting you. TINA: He is? That is so -(catching on) HE CALLED ME FAT?! [Tina jumps into the fight and soon both Cartman and Tina are punching Kenny.] TINA: TAKE THIS! AND THIS! AND SOME OF THAT! AND HELLA-LOT MORE OF THIS! CARTMAN: YOU POOR PIECE OF CRAP! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!! [Bus pulls up, Tina and Cartman leave a bruised Kenny lying in the snow, Kyle and Stan drag Kenny on.] [Lunch.] STAN: And then they both kicked Kenny's ass! CLYDE (With a patch on his eye): Yeah, that Tina can really hit on a guy. KYLE: And Kenny's still in the nurse' office! TOKEN: Yeah, that's a girl you don't want to get on the wrong side of, she could kick - [The all stop talking, because Tina walks by, as soon as she's gone.] TOKEN: ...Your ass all the way to Dingo Whop Whop! STAN: Where's that? TOKEN: I heard it on an Australian commercial. BEBE: She's like the female version of Cartman! WENDY: Hey! Tina's all right! She hasn't hurt Stan or me! STAN: Ugh, Wendy, I said that her and Cartman was a match made if fat-ass heaven and she said to me; "You call me fat again and I'll whop your ass back to last year and the year before that! I'm very sensitive about my weight." WENDY: Well at least she didn't hit you. Like Kenny. [Kenny then walks in, he's got bandages on body and he's bleeding.] BEBE: WHOA! STAN: Kenny, how are you? KENNY: {I can't feel my fingers...} CARTMAN (walking up): Heh, we got you good. KENNY: {That wasn't fair! Two fat asses on me at the same time!} CARTMAN: Kenny, you call us fatties again and you'll be laughing on the other side of your freakin' face. [Kenny steps back.] KENNY: {I'm gonna get you Cartman. Mark my words.} CARTMAN: Yeah right, what ya gonna do? KENNY: {Ummmm. I don't know yet!} CARTMAN: Whatever. [Cartman gets up, but, he accidentally leaves behind that book he was writing in. Kenny sees it and picks it up. Kenny reads it, he laughs.] KYLE: What is it? KENNY: {HA! HA! HA! LOVE POEMS! HA! HA! HA!} [He hands Kyle the book, he bursts out laughing too.] [Later that day.] KID: Did you read the one on page three? GIRL: The one about the beauty spot? Yeah! That was hilarious! KID: Who thought Cartman could write poems! GIRL: Sshh! Here comes lover boy! [Cartman walks past them, they're both smiling at him. He's about to get off screen when he turns.] CARTMAN: Are you two on Prozac or something? KID/GIRL: No. [Cartman leaves.] KID: Here comes the subject! [Tina comes walking by, with a tray of food, she sees them staring at her. She acts cool, keeps on walking, but they're still looking at her.] TINA: All right! That does it! [She puts her tray down (camera stays on the table) and walks off screen, we hear thumping noises and ouches. Tina walks back on camera, fixes her hair, picks up her tray and walks off. Pan back to the kid and girl, both are bruised and bleeding.] [After school. Cartman and Tina are waiting for the bus. Both look nervous.] CARTMAN: So, Tina, what are you doing this weekend? TINA: Oh, you know. This and that. CARTMAN: Wanna come see a movie with me? TINA: (over the moon) Really?! I mean, oh, okay. [Both look at the camera, and both smile. Cartman then gets a look of brilliance on his face, and digs in his pocket for his book...only to discover it's not there.] CARTMAN: Oh no! [He keeps looking, then we see a flashback in his head to lunch, he got up, and he left his book there!] CARTMAN: Oh my! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! [Cartman runs off screen and his screams sets off alarms.] TINA: CARTMAN! WAIT! WHAT'S WRONG?! [She goes off after him. As soon as they leave, Kyle, Stan and Kenny walk on.] KYLE: What the hell was that noise? KENNY: {Sounded like Cartman getting laid.} STAN: By who? Tina?! [They all laugh.] CARTMAN/TINA (os): AY! [Rock, thrown by Tina hits Stan in the head.] TINA: I got him! CARTMAN: Kick ass! [Down the street.] TINA: But what happened? CARTMAN: I lost a book! TINA: A book? CARTMAN: A book of...secrets on mine! I left it out at lunch, and I'm sure why those kids were smiling at me! TINA: They were smiling at you too? I just kicked their asses when they wouldn't stop smiling at me. CARTMAN: I have to open with you. The book has poems I've written... TINA: Poems? CARTMAN: Yeah. About...(quietly) you. TINA: (flattered) Me? CARTMAN: Yeah. TINA: That is the most sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me! CARTMAN: It is? TINA: You hunk o' man! [She grabs him and gives his a big kiss on the mouth. Pan back to Stan, Kyle and Kenny, all looked wide-eyed.] KYLE: Do you see what I see? STAN: If you see fat-ass and fat-assina kissing, then yeah, that's what I see. KENNY: {GROSS!} [Pan back to Tina and Cartman, they've stopped.] CARTMAN: Wow. TINA: Thanks. CARTMAN: Wow. [They hold hands and walk off.] [Later that week.] [Scene the School yard. Zoom in of Cartman and Tina under a tree.] TINA: Okay, so you tell your mom and I'll tell my parents. CARTMAN: Yeah. TINA: If they can't take it, then I don't know what I'd do. CARTMAN: Same here. [Camera to Kyle, Stan and Kenny.] STAN: Man, they've been talking for ages! KYLE: Yeah, I wonder what about? KENNY: {Probably about getting laid by each other.} KYLE: Get your head out the gutter Kenny. They wouldn't be talking about that. TINA: KAREN! [We see Tina run up to a girl, with red hair, freckles and wearing a parka, but with the hood down.] KAREN: Tina! [They hug each other.] TINA: What the hell are you doing here? KAREN: My parents' business got ruined too! We had to move here also! TINA: That is so cool! Come on, you got to meet my boyfriend. KAREN: You got a boyfriend?! TINA: Yeah, and he is soo hot! His name is Eric, but we call him Cartman. Cartman! Come over here! You too guys! [Kyle, Stan and Kenny come over.] TINA: Guys, this is my friend, Karen. We went to the same boarding school in California. KAREN: Hi. Which one of you is Cartman? You? [She points to Kenny.] CARTMAN: I am. KAREN: Oh. TINA: And that's Kyle, Stan and Kenny. [Kelley looks at Kenny for a while.] KAREN'S MIND: Oh my! What a babe! Who thought small piss ant white bread mountain towns had such hot guys! KENNY: {Hey.} [KAREN pukes] KENNY: {Ew!} TINA: Ho ho ho! Karen's got a crush! Karen's got a crush! KAREN: Shut up Tina before I whop your ass! TINA: Just try it. [Karen looks at Tina's size.] KAREN: Nah. TINA: Pussy. [At Tina's house.] TINA: Daddy? MR. ALVEREZE: Yes dear? TINA: Um...listen, I g-got a boyfriend at school. MRS. ALVEREZE: Oh that's wonderful honey! MR. ALVEREZE: So, who is this boy? TINA: Well, you and mom don't like him much.... MR. ALVEREZE: Not that fat kid, is it?! TINA: Ay! He's not fat! He's big boned! MRS. ALVEREZE: Oh my God! She is going out with him! He threw rocks at our house and dog, remember?! TINA: But he doesn't do that anymore! MR. ALVEREZE: I've seen him cruising the streets. No! No daughter of mine is going to go out with a rebel! MARIA: Ha ha! You got in trouble! PAT: Yeah, you suck. So does your boyfriend. TINA: He is not a rebel! He is sweet and gentle to me! MR. ALVEREZE: Find someone else! That fat kid is trouble! No one in this family has gone out with a kid from the wrong side of the tracks, and it is not going to start with you! TINA: YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME! I HATE YOU! [Tina runs into her room and slams the door.] [Cartman's House.] CARTMAN: So ma, what do you think of it? LIANE: Well I don't know Eric dear. You seem a little too young to be going out. CARTMAN: But mom! We have so much in common! [Liane thinks forward, her being the slave to Eric and his girlfriend, if they have so much in common, she'll be cooking even more then usual.] LIANE: No Eric dear. I'm afraid you're too young. CARTMAN: Mom! You went out when you were six! LIANE: That's different! My parents didn't care! But I do. I don't need you having your heart broken. So no! CARTMAN: But Mom! [throws hissy fit.] LIANE: No Eric. Not this time. Now go to your room! [Cartman goes upstairs and slams the door.] [Next Day. Karen walks up to Kenny.] KAREN: Hey...Kenny. KENNY: {Huh? Oh. Hi Karen.} [Karen manages to hold back the vomit.] KAREN: How are you? KENNY: {Fine.} [They stare at each other for a long time.] KAREN: So, what ya into? KENNY: {Oh, stuff girls wouldn't be interested in.} KAREN: Try me. KENNY: {Porn, naked people, sex, drugs, stuff like that.} KAREN: Really?! I'm into that shit too! KENNY: (shocked) {YOU ARE?} KAREN: Is it just me, or is it very cold here? [Kenny looks around they are in three feet of snow. Karen puts her hood on, it looks just like two Kennys looking at each other, only hers is light orange. Kenny's eyes go wide.] KENNY'S THOUGHTS: Whoa! Dude, this girl is hot ass! KENNY: {What are you doing tonight?} KAREN: {Nothing. What about you?} KENNY: {Nothing. Let's go out.} KAREN: {Cool.} KENNY: {Cool.} [At the tree. Tina's waiting there. Cartman comes up.] CARTMAN: Well? TINA: My parents don't want us going out. CARTMAN: Same with my mom. TINA: I don't get it, why don't they want us together? CARTMAN: I don't know. [Tina starts to cry a little.] TINA: It isn't fair! I love you so much. I'd never leave you, no matter what my stupid gay hippie parents think! CARTMAN: Yeah, screw my mom! She's not even my mom! She's my dad! So screw him! TINA: Our parents just don't understand us at all. CARTMAN: Parents never do. [They look at each other for a long time, then they kiss each other full on the lips.] TINA: Well, if they don't want us going out, what can we do? CARTMAN: Go against them. TINA: What?! CARTMAN: Leave. Forget this stupid piss ant white bread mountain town and run away together! TINA: I'm not so sure... CARTMAN: It's either that, or... TINA: Or? CARTMAN: We don't see each other again. [Tina's quiet for a little while.] TINA: Fine. My parents never understood how I felt. CARTMAN: Cool. I'll meet you at the South Park Sign, just outside of town at 7:30 tonight. TINA: Fine. [Class.] CARTMAN *to STAN*: Stan? STAN: What? CARTMAN: Would you miss me, if I was to say...oh, leave? STAN: What?! CARTMAN: I've talked if over with Tina, and since our parents don't want us going out together, we're going to leave. STAN: That is the lamest thing I've ever heard! CARTMAN: Ay! It' isn't lame! STAN: *to Kyle* Kyle! KYLE: What? STAN: Cartman and Tina are leaving South Park! KYLE: What?! Why? STAN: Cartman said that since their parents don't want them going out, they're running away together forever! KYLE: Dude! [Kyle, in turn, tells Kenny, who tells Kelley, who tells Wendy, and it ends up all over the school. The only people who don't know are Tina's older brother and sister.] [That night, at the South Park Sign at 7:25. Cartman is standing there, he has a back pack on. He glances at his watch.] CARTMAN: Come on Tina, where are you? [At Tina's house. Her parents are at the kitchen table, Tina sneaks past them, opens the front door and walks out. Once outside, she runs.] [South Park Sign 7:29.] CARTMAN: Where could she be? TINA: Hi Cartman! CARTMAN: Tina! You made it! TINA: I had to wait until my stupid parents had their coffee break. Come on, let's get going. [They hold each other by the hand and walk away into the night.] [Next day. Fliers are all over South Park about Tina and Cartman vanishing. It just describes what they look like, where they were last seen and stuff like that. Stan and Kyle are looking at one, the poster has both of their pictures on it.] KYLE: Man, he did it too. STAN: I wonder where they are now... [As Stan says this, we see Cartman and Tina walking along in the snow.] TINA: Where are we? CARTMAN: Well, after a day walking, I'd say somewhere still in Colorado. TINA: Great. [Back in South Park. Cartman's house, Liane is waiting by the phone, waiting for any information to come. The phone rings, Liane picks it up right away.] MR. ALVEREZE: Hello? LIANE: Hello?! Do you have information about my Eric?! MR. ALVEREZE: No, I'm the father of Tina. LIANE: Oh, Eric's little girlfriend, MR. ALVEREZE: I'll have you know, that this was entirely your son's idea! LIANE: My sons ide- How dare you accuse my boy Eric of stealing your pussy little girl! MR. ALVEREZE: Pussy?! Ay! I'll get you for that! LIANE: I'd like to see you try! MR. ALVEREZE: Oh yeah you drug taking hermaphrodite prostitute!? [They both slam down the phones.] [Next day] STAN: Man, it sure is quiet. WENDY: Yeah, Cartman and Tina are usually so loud. KYLE: We can hear the leaves rustle. [Rustle sound.] STAN: That's it. We're going to find them. WENDY: How? STAN: Easy, we ask around and find out. Come on. [They all exit, they're by the big sign.] STAN: Look, size eight shoes. Cartman's a size eight. WENDY: And Tina's a seven and a half. Look! [We see the snow with prints of the numbers.] KYLE: They were here, and by the looks of it, they went off into the woods. [They all look into the woods.] STAN: Would Cartman do this for us? WENDY: Tina would make him. [Kenny and Karen walk up] KAREN: Hey you guys, what's going on? WENDY: We're going after Cartman and Tina. KAREN: (after a long silence) Why? WENDY: That's what friends are for! KAREN/KENNY: Oh. [Back to wherever the hell Cartman and Tina are now. It's night time and they're walking through a paddock.] SOUND: SQUISH! SQUISH! [Cartman trips and grabs Tina to level, but both fall down in cow shit.] TINA/CARTMAN: AH WEAK! [Tina gets up, she's messed up from head to toe, Cartman looks pretty much the same.] TINA: Come on, let's find somewhere to clean off. [They walk around until they find a pond.] TINA: You first! [She shoves him in, he causes a big splash.] CARTMAN: AY! I didn't even take my clothes off! TINA: Good! [She stands there for a while.] CARTMAN: ARGGHHH!! LEECHES! [He jumps out the pond, he's covered in the slugs. He's batting them off here and there, and Tina's helping. Cartman gets a look of horror on his face, he pulls his pants open and looks down.] CARTMAN: (tiny voice) Tina, help! TINA: What? CARTMAN: I have one on my fireman! [Tina looks shocked.] TINA: Well get it off! CARTMAN: Oh man, it's a big one too! TINA: Fine! [She looks down, she shoves her hand down and rips the leech off, she's holding this huge one. Cartman faints. Tina squishes the leech until it's a bloody pile.] TINA: GO BACK TO HELL YOU DEMON SLUG! [She then goes over to Cartman.] TINA: Cartman! Are you okay?! Wake up! Please! [Cartman comes to.] CARTMAN: Well? TINA: It's gone. CARTMAN: Thank God. Oh, you didn't see my.... TINA: I saw it. I had to. CARTMAN: Well? [Tina stares at him for a while.] TINA: Big things come in big packages! [She throws her arms around him.] [Back where the guys are.] STAN: Dude, do you hear something? KYLE: What? [We hear various growls coming from the bushes.] KENNY: {What the fuck was that?!} KAREN: {I don't know.} [Wendy looks into the woods and sees some eyes glowing.] WENDY: S-Stan... STAN: What? [A wolf the size of any thing huge, jumps out onto the gang, they scream and run, but the wolf manages to grab hold of...Wait for it....] KENNY: {KAREN!! NO! LET HER GO YOU SON OF A BITCH!} [Yes! The wolf had caught Karen! He holds her body in his huge jaws, Kenny is just shocked to see this. His blood starts to boil as high as you can imagine.] KENNY: {YOU MOTHER FUCKING, ASS WIPING, HIPPIE TREE LOVING NEAR SIGHTED FANNY LOOKER ATTER! DIE!} [Kenny attacks the wolf himself, biting the wolf's ears, nose, etc. The gang watch from the bushes.] WENDY: Wow. What incredible irony. [Kenny and the wolf fight for a while] KYLE: Two to one the wolf kills them both. STAN: You're on. [Where Tina and Cartman are (pretty close now)] TINA: What's that? CARTMAN: What's what? [We hear sounds of the fight.] TINA: Sounds like a wolf. CARTMAN: W-wolf? TINA: Hey, he's probably miles from here... [We hear the howl of the wolf.] TINA: You scared? CARTMAN: Are you? TINA: Hold me! [Tina and Cartman hold each other in fear] [Back where the declined group is] KYLE: Told you. STAN: Yuck. [We see the wolf eating both Kenny and Karen.] WENDY: Well this is just great. [They keep on going until they come to where Cartman and Tina are, but they're both hiding in the large tree.] TINA: What was that? CARTMAN: Hold on. [He climbs out and looks down, he sees the figures.] CARTMAN: I think it's the search party. TINA: Oh no! STAN: Cartman?! Tina?! CARTMAN: Stan?! [Cartman climbs onto the limb and looks down, he makes out the figures of Stan, Kyle, and Wendy.] CARTMAN: Tina, it's the guys! TINA: Oh glorious day! [Cartman glares at Tina. They climb down.] WENDY: Where the hell have you two been?! CARTMAN: Oh, you know. Running away because of parent arguments. The usual. KYLE: I told you that is the most- WENDY: Romantic thing I've ever heard! ALL (but Wendy): Really? WENDY: Yeah! Two lovers defying the parents, it's just like Romeo and Juliet! TINA: Uh, Wendy, where's Karen? WENDY: Ummmm, KYLE: You see, this wolf came out of nowhere, and he attacked Karen! TINA: Karen?! STAN: Then Kenny got all pissed in shit and attacked the wolf too. But both were killed. [Tina looks teary eyed.] TINA: Karen? Kenny? Dead? Oh no! [Starts to cry.] KYLE: We got more important things to worry about! CARTMAN: Ay! Can't you see my woman's having a sentimental moment here?! KYLE: What if we're attacked by wolves again? [Tina stops crying. Silence.] TINA: Well then. We have to go back. CARTMAN: What?! TINA: If we leave, our parents will never see eye to eye again! CARTMAN: They never did anyway. [Tina starts to walk off.] TINA: All on account of you. CARTMAN: WHAT!? [Tina turns.] TINA: It's your fault my parents hate you! You threw rocks at our house and dog! CARTMAN: But that was before- TINA: Before what?! Huh? ME?! Well Mr. Respect-My-Authoritah! You can find your own way back, and a new WOMAN! [Tina turns and storms off, the gang is just shocked by the whole incident. Cartman looks like he's going to cry, but he doesn't.] CARTMAN: What the hell are you all staring at?! Come on. Let's go home. [They all follow Cartman.] [Where Tina is] TINA: Stupid Cartman. 'My Woman' he says. Pft! Can't I be my own woman? Anyway, it's his fault. And my parents. They always give me shit about what I do. I don't hear them complaining about Maria or Pat. Oh no! They're the perfect children! [We see shapes following her, and glowing eyes.] [Back where the gang are. All are quiet, Cartman is still leading, they're at the pond where the leech incident occured. Kyle steps in the remaining pieces of the leech.] WENDY: Cartman, are you ok? CARTMAN: (not turning around) I'm fine. WENDY: No really, if you need to talk about it, we're here. [Cartman stops.] [He turns, he bursts out crying. The other seem more shocked then ever.] CARTMAN (in-between crying): I love Tina! She is my apple! I am the cat, she is the cream! She is always going to be more lovelier than me! She means more then life to me! The very sight of her makes my day brighter! [Starts wailing.] WENDY: Wow. I never knew you were sensitive. KYLE: Neither did we. [We hear a scream from in the woods, Cartman notices it.] CARTMAN: Tina? TINA!?!? [He runs off into the woods, followed by the others. They arrive at a cave, Cartman finds pieces of cloth that used to be on Tina's green pants and yellow top.] CARTMAN: All right. Now it's personal. [He notices the place.] CARTMAN: Kyle, you go up that road there, there's a little shop there. Ask if they have any guns. KYLE: Yeah. [He walks off.] CARTMAN: Stan, you take Wendy to a safer place. Things could get ugly. [Stan leads Wendy away, soon Kyle returns holding a gun.] KYLE: Good thing the guy was drunk. He thought I was a magical leprechaun. Here. [He hands Cartman the gun. Cartman takes a deep breath, hopefully not his last, and walks into the cave. Kyle goes to meet Stan and Wendy. Suddenly, we hear bangs coming from the cave, yelps, yips, and screams. Suddenly, all is quiet. Who has won? The others walk back into the scene.] WENDY: Cartman? Are you all right? VOICE: Of course he's all right! [Tina comes out, followed by Cartman who's wielding the gun and a dead wolf.] WENDY: Tina! You're safe! TINA: Hell yeah. Once Cartman showed up, he started shooting, and I kicked the wolves in the nuts. CARTMAN: We make a pretty good team. Don't we? TINA: Mmm. Could you guys, excuse us for a minute? STAN: Sure. [As they walk off, we hear Kyle.] KYLE: If Kenny was here, he'd say that they'd lay each other by the fire. [Cartman and Tina stare at each other for a while.] TINA: Cartman, listen...I'm sorry. I've just been so trapped! My parents, your mom. The whole shabang! CARTMAN: It's all right. I'm sorry too. [They kiss each other and follow the others.] [South Park Police Department: To Patronize and Annoy.] LIANE: They've been missing for two days now. They are now pronounced missing. BARBRADY: Well, maybe, maybe not. LIANE: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN MAYBE NOT?! BARBRADY: They could've been kidnapped, LIANE: (gasp) BARBRADY: Murdered, LIANE: (gasp) BARBRADY: Or abducted, LIANE: (gasp) Fine. I'll go look for them myself. [She turns and leaves, and she bumps into Mr. and Mrs. Alvereze.] LIANE: Don't bother going in there. He'll just make you worry yourselves. I'm going to go look for them myself. MRS. ALVEREZE: Then we'll help you. MR. ALVEREZE: Anita! MRS. ALVEREZE: Ted, this is our daughter you're talking about here. Sure, she may be with a fat boy- LIANE: AY! MRS. ALVEREZE: But she needs us. Now come on. [They all walk off, later, they return with searching equipment.] LIANE: Okay then, if we go this way, we'll end up more South of South Park then ever before, that way- MR. ALVEREZE: Hey, isn't that them? [We see the kids approaching.] LIANE: ERIC! CARTMAN: MA! MR/MRS. ALVEREZE: TINA! TINA: MOM! DAD! [The kids run to their parents.] MRS. ALVEREZE: Where in the world have you been?! TINA: Running away together. We figured if you guys can't get along, then we ought to. MR. ALVEREZE: Oh no. We're good friends now. Aren't we...Liane? LIANE: Indeed we are now. TINA/CARTMAN: HOORAY! [END]