WHO WANTS TO BE KILLED ON AIR? Submitted by Robert Geen geeno69@gofree.to (Show begins in Cartman's house. The boys (and girls, Zoe's there) are all watching Terrence and Philip) Philip: Terrence, do you want some Kroff dinner? Terrence: Oh, I don't know Philip. It makes me fart. Cartman: I bet I know what happens next! Terrence: Oh, I feel something! Burrrrppp! (Terrence burps) Stan: What the fuck?! Cartman: What the hell?! He burped! He didn't fart! (The TV loses the picture) Kyle: Woah dude! What the hell is happening tonight? (Advert comes on) TV Announcer: Coming soon to a TV near you! Who wants to be killed on air! You could win up to a million dollars, but if you answer a question incorrectly then you will be killed live on air! To register for this amazing new show, dial this number now. 144-56749! Call today, and you could b a millionaire. You're host for this new show will be Quentin Tarantino! Call now! Same Announcer but in lower voice: Calls will be charged at 5 dollars a minute. Calls last ten minutes. Who wants to be killed on air can be in no way held responsible for the death of any person while appearing on the show. Full rules and instructions for play can be found on teletext at page 546. Stan: Dude! Did you hear that? Kyle: Yeah! I want to win a million pounds! Kenny: (Yeah, but if you get a question wrong they kill you.) Cartman: So? You die every week anyway! Kyle: Come on! Let's all try and win. (Cut to South Park elementary. Next day) Cartman: Hey you guys. I called that line about twenty times. I bet I'm on the show. Stan: I looked at that teletext page. The show works like this: You have three lifelines: Phone a friend, Ask the audience and 50:50. Once you reach 1000 dollars, you keep that. If you get to 32,000 dollars you keep that. However, if you answer a question incorrectly, Quentin comes up with a way to kill you. You can leave the show at any time, with all the money you had won so far. There are four possible answers to each question and you can only answer once. Phew! Kyle: Woah! That must have been the longest speech ever on South Park! Cartman: Yeah, Stan, you trying to show off to Zoë with you reading. Stan: Shut up fatass, it's you who fancies her. Cartman: I'm not fat, and you're just a tree-hugging hippy who's missing Wendy. Zoë: Lads, lads. I'll shag you both if you want. Just shut up before I beat the shit out of both of you. Kyle: Cartman, do you remember what you said about girls kicking your ass? Cartman: Yeah! If a girl ever tried giving me crap, I'd be all like Ai! Bitch! You get over here, before I kick your ass that hard, your pussy's comes out on of the top your forehead! Zoë: That's it Cartman! (Zoë kicks Cartman round the back, knocking him to the ground, before doing a Boston crab on him.) Zoë: Are you going to say anything about Girls again Cartman? Cartman: (Having trouble breathing) No! Please, please get off me. Zoë: Ok. (Zoë gets off him, leaving Cartman nearly stone dead on the floor) Cartman: Ah, screw you guys, I'm going home. (Garrison walks in, not noticing Cartman, and steps straight on his back.) Cartman: You fucking bastard! Mr Garrison: What did you say? Cartman: I said, Zoe's a sucking bitch! Zoë: You fat fuck Cartman! Cartman: Screw you, you poor assed whore! Zoë: I'm going to kill you after school! Cartman: (finally getting up) Yeah, just try it you scrawny slut! Zoë: (whispering) Stan? Come over here. (He gets up. She kisses him.) Cartman: I don't believe that fucking bitch! Mr Garrison: Okay class that's enough bullshit for today, let's start class. (Everyone sits down) Mr Garrison: Ok class, today we're all going to learn about the Japanese. Now the Japanese, who you look like this, (Pulls down picture of a Jap smiling with his two front teeth out.) are extremely clever. They make all the best electronic equipment in the world, including Sony, Aiwa and Lucious Lisa who vibrates when you.... (Kids are staring at him) Mr Garrison: What the hell are you staring at? (silence) Mr Hat: Well that's just fine! You go to hell, you go to hell and you die! (Silence) Mr Garrison: Oh, screw you guys, I'm going home. (leaves) Kyle: Woah dude! (Fade Out. Fade In. Inside Kenny's house. Kenny is in his room, bouncing a ball against the wall.) Mrs McCormick: Kenny! There's a man on the phone for you. (Kenny runs in) Kenny: Phone Bloke: Is that Kenny McCormick? Kenny: Phone Bloke: Congratulations! You have been selected by computer to come and be on Who Wants To Be Killed On Air? Kenny: Phone Bloke: We've sent a car for you. It should be there any second. (Kenny looks out window. A Limo has pulled up.) Kenny: (Scene cuts to Who Wants To Be Killed On Air studio. There are ten contestants and Quentin Tarantino is standing there) Quentin: I don't know why the hell I agreed to this. This is a poxy little bullshit show for no hopers with no life and too much money.) Producer: Er, Quentin, we are on air. Quentin: Oh. Hello and welcome to who wants to be killed on air? Tonight somebody could walk away with a million dollars or they could start walking up that great stairway to heaven. Who knows what will happen? Anyway, let's play: Who wants to be killed on air! (Little jingle plays. Lights come down.) Quentin: Okay, this where it all begins. Put these things in the right order alphabetically: Fart, Toilet, Diarrhoea, and Death. (Jingle plays again. Camera shots of contestants pressing buttons.) Quentin: Okay, they were very quick. Now lets see the right order: Death, Diarrhoea, Fart, and Toilet. Now let's see who got it right and most importantly, in the fastest time. (List of names comes up. If I were doing an actual show, I'd have a list of funny names. I can't be arsed writing them all out though. Anyway, the names flash up and Wayne King gets 5 seconds, Normus Cook gets 9 secs, Betty Swollocks gets 6 seconds and Kenny gets 3 seconds.) Quentin: Kenny McCormick! Come on down. Kenny: Quentin: Are you okay? Kenny: Quentin: Okay, lets play: Who Wants To Be Killed On Air! (jingle. Kenny and Quentin sit down in front of Computers.) Quentin: Okay, you're name is Kenny McCormick, you're from a pissant white-bred mountain town called South Park. You're family is very poor, so you want to win as much as possible. Kenny: Quentin: You're Mum, Dad, Brother and Niece are all in the audience. So let's play! (Cut to quick shot of Kenny's family. Jingle) Mr McCormick: Come on son! Quentin: Okay, here's the first question for 100 dollars: What B describes Kyle's Mom? Is it: A: Bitch, B: Slut, C: Bastard or D: Bloke. They do get harder! Kenny: Quentin: Is that you're final answer? Kenny: Yes. Quentin: Congratulations! You've won 100 dollars. (Jingle) Quentin: Now for the next question for 200 dollars: What P describes your family: Is it: A: Piss Poor? B: Pests? C: Plonkers or D: Pigs? Kenny: Quentin: Just answer it kid, I don't get anymore money if you don't answer it. Kenny: Quentin: You had one hundred dollars. You've now got 200 dollars. (Jingle. The game carries on. Pictures of Kenny getting all his questions right.) Quentin: Okay Kenny, you're onto 500,000 dollars. This is the farthest anyone has ever got on this show. If you get this question right, you will the first person ever to win a million dollars on a TV show anywhere in the world. You still have one lifeline: Phone a friend. Take your time. Here comes the question: What was the name of Charles Dickens famous book about a child who wanted more? Was it: A: Nobody gives a toss? B: Nobody cares? C: You've Got To Get This? Or D: Oliver Twist? (Silence for around a minute. Kenny is in deep thought.) Kenny: Quentin: Sure. Who do you want to phone? Kenny: Quentin: You think he will know the answer? Kenny: (Phone rings.) Liane: Hello there. This the Cartman residence. Quentin: Is Eric there? Liane: Hon! There's someone on the phone for you. And I made Cookie Dings. Cartman: Coming mom. (Picks up phone) Hello? Quentin: Cartman? Cartman: Yes? Quentin: Hi. This is the Quentin Tarantino on Who Wants To Be Killed On Air? Cartman: Get to the point, asshole. Quentin: I have your friend Kenny here. He wants to get up to the next milestone. He needs you to help on an answer. He will only have 30 seconds to tell the question and for you to answer it. Here's Kenny: Kenny: Cartman: Your fat bitch of a niece kicked the shit out of me. I have bruises in places I didn't now I had! Kenny: Quentin: You have ten seconds. Cartman: (Thinks to himself) Hey, I can screw Kenny and his stupid niece good and proper. I'll give them a wrong answer! (Speaking out loud) I know the answer! It's B: Nobody cares. Kenny: Cartman: Yeah, I... (Line goes dead.) Quentin: He sounded pretty sure of himself. Are you going to go with him? You can, of course, take the money? But if you answer and it is wrong, you will be killed? What do you want to do? Kenny: Quentin: Are you sure? Kenny: Yes. I want to do it. Quentin: Final answer? Kenny: Yes. (Tense musical build up. Answer is highlighted.) Quentin: You had 500,000 dollars. You now have nothing, and you are soon to die. It's the wrong answer. The correct one was A: Nobody Gives A Toss. And now for the death! (Quentin transforms into a massive Green Dragon. Stan: (Watching at home) Woah, dude! (Kenny cowers. Quentin sweeps down, grabs Kenny in his mouth, and swallows him whole! Dramatic music!) Zoë: Oh my god! They Killed Kenny! Kevin McCormick: You, you, you bastards! (Quentin changes back. Blood is dripping from his mouth) Quentin: Okay, it's time for a new contestant. (Cut to Bus Stop. Kyle, Stan and Cartman are there. Zoë walks on.) Kyle, Stan: Hey Zoë. Zoë: (Depressed voice) Hey. Cartman: Ha Ha! I got Kenny killed! That'll teach you to beat me. (Zoë snarls. She pulls out a flick knife. She jumps on Cartman and thrusts it into him at least twenty times.) Kyle: Woah! Have you got PMS or something? Zoë: (Slowing down her breathing. Her clothes are covered in blood, Cartman is lying on the ground, turning the snow red.) No, I just had to kill that motherfucker! Stan: You know, I've really learned something today. Quiz shows aren't about being winning money or cars or holidays. They about bringing together the family, uniting them in a simple pleasure. Kyle: Yeah. And I've learned something too. Zoë looks really sexy when she's mad. Stan: Cool! Go on Zoë, get mad. Zoë: No! Kyle: Go on! Zoë: No! Leave me alone. I'm in mourning for Kenny. There's not even a body for burial. (Car pulls up.) Delivery Bloke: Um, here's a special delivery for a Miss Zoë Shagum? Zoë: That's me. Delivery Bloke: Okey-dokey. (Turns bag upside down. Out falls bit's of Kenny's body, with other things thrown in.) Stan: Woah! Quentin must have had Danish for lunch! 'Fin