THE RETURN OF WENDY

Submitted by Robert Geen
geeno69@gofree.to


(Scene starts in Mayor's office.)

Mayor: Okay, what the hell are we going to do with the 500,000 dollars we've been given to improve the town?
Councillor 1: Why not build a monorail? It would help people travel around our fair city.
Mayor: That's a great idea! How much would it cost?
Councillor 2: 1 million dollars but if we cut corners the maybe we could build it for half a million.
Mayor: Get started right away!
(Councillor's go to leave. Just as there about to walk through the doors are kicked open. 4 men in suits storm in. They are each brandishing machine guns.)
Bloke 1: Everybody get on the floor!
Bloke 2: If nobody moves nobody will get hurt!
Bloke 1: You and you (pointing at the two councillors) you go and stand in the corner of the room.
Bloke 2: Quick! Get her!
(Three of the men pick the mayor up and stuff her into a black sack.)
Mayor: (muffled voice) Help! Get me out of here! Let me go!
(Three blokes run out of the room. One stays.)
Bloke 1: OK, they've gone, you can turn round.
Councillor 1: Yes! It worked! My plan to get rid of the mayor so I can take over has succeeded! 
Bloke 1: Um, excuse me but I think there is a little sum of money concerning the kidnapping of the Mayor.
Councillor 1: Oh yeah, sorry. Here you go. (Hands over suitcase. Bloke 1 flips it open. Inside is the 500,000 dollars.)
Bloke 1: (smiling) I was wrong to doubt you. (Turns to leave) Oh and by the way if you need any more mayor's kidnapping just call me on 044 01908 312074 and ask for Geoffrey.
(Fade Out)
(Fade In)
(Kids are all standing at bus stop. As usual Kyle and Stan are standing staring at Zoë)
 Stan: Dude, did you hear about the mayor being kidnapped?
 Kyle: Yeah. Who cares? It was about time that dirty bitch got kicked out.
 Kenny: <Yeah, but what about if the new one is a tyrant? >
 Stan: Isn't one of the mayor's councillors taking over?
 Kyle: I think so.
 Cartman: Ah. I hate him. 
 Kyle: Why?
 Cartman: Well, he's just always there, making smart comments, while he makes fun of everyone else.
 Stan: Dude, that's Jerry Springer.
 Cartman: Oh yeah. I always get those two mixed up.
 (Bus pulls up)
 Ms. Crabtree: Get on, we're running late.
 Zoë: Ah, we're always running late you tree shagging hippy!
 (The scamps laugh)
 Ms. Crabtree: What did you say?!!?
 Zoë: I said I can't wait to buy the new album by DJ Pippi (Ibizan House & Garage DJ)
 Ms. Crabtree: Oh. Neither can I.
 (fade in)
 (fade out. We're now back in the mayor's office.
Councillor 2: So then, what do you want to do today?
Councillor 1: Well, has anyone said anything about paying the ransom?
Councillor 2: No, nobody seems to give rats' ass about her.
Councillor 1: Excellent! Now, all I need to do is enforce a few laws...
(Fade in. Fade out. We're now in class with all the scamps. Mr Garrison comes rushing in.)
Mr Garrison: Children, children. I just received word that the new mayor of South Park has brought in some new rules. He's given us a list. Isn't that right, Mr hat?
Mr Hat: That's right Mr Garrison. He's a right negative Nancy isn't he?
Mr Garrison: That's right Mr Hat. Anyway children, these are the new rules he has decreed:
There will be no more wearing of white socks in public.
Backstreet Boys and N' Sync will be banned.
And finally, all South Park citizens will have to work on the Volcano.
Kids: What!??
Mr Garrison: Yes, apparently, Lava can be used to make sand and so all citizens of South Park will be utilise this amazing discovery.
Cartman: Hey, one good thing might come out of this, Kenny's dad will finally get a job!
Kenny: <Fuck you!> (Hits him)
Cartman: Ah! You little poor son of a bitch, I'll kick you in the nuts!
Stan: Dude, that's out of order. What right has he got to do that?
Mr Garrison: Well Stanley, he is the mayor now...
Kyle: He can't order us around like that! I say we find Mayor McDaniels!
Kids: Yeah!
(Cut to the graveyard. We see Wendy's tombstone. On it is written: "She saw, She fought, She got fucked over. Suddenly the ground begins to shake. Wendy kicks her way out of the grave, feet first. She is half rotted away. her skull is visible.)
Wendy: Must kill Zoë. Must kill Zoë. Must kill Zoë....
(Fade out. Fade in. We're now outside the town hall. The people of South Park are all outside shouting.
Sheila Broslofski: We want the Mayor! We want the mayor!
(We're inside now.)
Councillor 2: Shit, that bitch of a Jew has got involved. The crowd has turned nasty, I think you should speak to them.
Councillor 1: If I must.
(Back Outside. Both Councillors walk outside.)
Councillor 1: What is it that's wrong? Is it my prostate tumour? I can get it fixed if you want.
Sheila: We don't want to work on the volcano. It's too dangerous.
Councillor 1: Nonsense. A bit of Lava never did anyone any harm.
Sheila: Besides that, we have our own jobs. We are not just going to leave them behind.
Councillor 1: Well, if anyone refuses, then I will force them to listen to Celine Dion for the whole time they could be working.
(Crowd shivers with fright)
Sheila: You will.. will not get away with this!
Councillor 1: Oh, I think I already have. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!
Stan: Dude, this is terrible.
(fade in. Fade out. All the parents are on the mountain. Wondering what to do.)
Sheila: Gerald, do you have any idea what we are supposed to do?
Gerald: No, I think the mayor is coming to tell us.
(Councillor arrives.)
Councillor 1: Okay people, what we are doing is collecting the Lava. We do it with these fishing rods that I have provided. All you do is cast the fishing rods in and then wait you catch the lava. It's that simple. I'll be back later to check on you. 
Sheila: I suppose we'd better get on with it. 
Ms. Cartman: Does anyone want some Snacky Cakes?
Everyone: Yeah, want Snacky Cakes!
(Scene cuts back to South Park Elementary.)
Kyle: Dude, we've got no one to teach us.
Stan: Hey, we should try to find Mayor McDaniels.
Kenny: <Yeah, but where could she be?>
(camera pans over to a big black sack laying in the corner of the playground. There is a muffled voice coming from inside it.)
Mayor: Help me! Help me! I can't breathe.
Stan: Oh, she could be anywhere. Let's give up.
(Kyle looks into the distance.)
Kyle: Hey Stan, can you see that figure in the distance?
Stan: Yeah. Just about. I wonder what it is?
Cartman: I dunno.
(Wendy starts to run)
Cartman: it's running towards us! Why is it running towards us?
Kenny <Oh my god, I think it's Wendy!>
Kyle: Zoë, look out! 
(Wendy rushes in, narrowly missing Zoë)
Wendy: Must kill Zoë, Must kill Zoë......
Zoë: I've killed you before, and I'll do it again! 
(Zoë attacks. She punches her round the face, knocking out one of Wendy's eyeballs.)
Stan: Dude! Sick!
(Wendy starts to throttle Zoë. She goes a dark red, and looks likes she's suffocating.)
Kenny: <Leave her alone, you ugly skank!>
(He rushes in, kicking her in the back. She loses her grip on Zoë and drops her to the ground. Wendy turns round slowly. Kenny starts trembling and tries running away, but it's to late. She grabs hold of his head, rips it off and then eats it! Dramatic Music)
Stan: Oh my god, they ate Kenny!
Kyle: You BASTARDS!
Stan: ZOE! Get up!
(Zoë dusts her self off. Though still dazed she runs toward the slow moving Wendy.)
Zoë: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
(Zoë launches into the air and lands feet first into Wendy's back. Knocking out her other eyeball.)
Stan: You knocked out her other eyeball! She can't see.
Cartman: That's it! I've had hardly any part in this fic so far, because of you, (points directly at me) and now I'm all pissed off!
(Cartman rushes over towards Wendy)
Cartman: AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHH! Come on you son of a bitch!
Phhhhhhhhhhffffwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwooooooop!
(Cartman farts fire directly on Wendy. She burns into the ground.
Wendy: Stan! No! Save meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
(Wendy burns to ash)
Zoë: Cartman, you saved me. How can I ever thank you?
Cartman: Well, there was that matter of a kiss....
Zoë: OK, I think I can do that.
(Zoë kisses him full on the mouth. Cartman falls over.)
Stan: Oh my god! They've killed Cartman!
Kyle: You Bastards!
Cartman: I'm not dead you guys, just shocked.
Clyde: (in the corner) Hey everyone, look at this!
Stan: What is it?
Clyde: Well it's a black bag. 
Stan: No, I mean what it's in it?
Clyde: Oh, it's just Mayor McDaniels.
Mayor: Thank you children. What has been happening while I've been locked in there?
Stan: Oh, nothing much. Just that your councillor has banned Backstreet Boys and N'Sync, banned us from wearing white socks, made everyone walk up on the volcano, and Zoë has had another fight with Wendy.
Mayor: He's done what!?
(Scene cuts to the volcano. The South Park folk are sitting on the edge of the volcano, with their fishing rods dangling in.
Sharon Marsh: I wonder how long we'll have to do this for?
(The mayor comes up the hill.)
Randy Marsh: Mayor! You're back!
Mayor: Where is my councillor?
Randy: He's over there.
(Councillor notices her.)
Councillor: Mayor, I can explain!
Mayor: You'd better do buddy!
(fade out. Fade in) The scamps are in class.)
Stan: Zoë, you look really depressed. What's wrong?
Zoë: My parents are coming to pick me up today. I don't want to go home. I want to stay here with you guys.
Kyle: Think about Zoë. Do you want to live in a piss-ant white-bred mountain town or in Denver?
Zoë: I want to live here.
(Principal Victoria walks in)
Victoria: Hello class. Zoë, we just got a call from your parents. They said you can stay here as long as you like.
Zoë: Really! Wow! Somebody must really be smiling on me today.
(Yeah. Me. I like happy endings.)
Kyle: Well that just about wraps everything up. Wendy's dead again, so's Kenny, our parents have returned to work, we've took a swipe at Ms. Crabtree.
What have we missed?
Stan: What happened to the councillor?
Kyle: Oh yeah!
(Cut to mountain. It's snowing.)
Councillor: Hello! Is anyone there? I'm stuck here! Help!
(Volcano erupts. A huge lava ball lands right on top of the councillor's head. Voice from the sky says:)
Me: Oh, shut the fuck up!

'Fin