KENNY'S NIECE Submitted by Robert Geen geeno69@gofree.to [The scene opens in Kenny's House] Kenny's Mom: Kenny, get ready to met your niece, she'll be here any minute. She's coming to stay with us for a while. Kenny: Hmmmm mffff phhh! Kenny's Mom: I know we can't afford it but we'll just have to make do. Kenny: Hmmmm Phhhh mmmm! Kenny's Mom: I'm not sure what she looks like either. For years my relatives have been living in Denver. I haven't seen her since she was a baby. [Horn honks] Kenny's Mom: That'll be them. You go out and meet them. [Kenny goes out the door. A beat up old Mustang is parked outside. Back door opens. We just see a leg coming out the door then view cuts to behind the car.] Kenny: Wow! [Next Day. Bus stop. Cartman, Kyle and Stan are already there. Kenny is late.] Stan: Hey Kyle, did you see that new comedy show last night? Kyle: Yeah. It had a load of Asians in it. Stan: I think it was called Goodness Gracious Me. Kyle: Yeah. Something like that. Cartman: My mom says Asians all go to Britain. Their the only people stupid enough to let them go there. Stan: No, they don't Cartman! Asian's live all over the world. Cartman: Huh! you show me one country that has Asians in it other than Britain. Stan: Once again you have no idea what you're talking about assmaster! Cartman: Screw you, you tree-hugging hippy dick! [Kenny walks on] Kenny: Hi. Stan: Oh, hey Kenny. Why are you late this morning? Kenny: Hmmm mmmfff mmmph. Kyle: I didn't think you had a niece. Kenny: Hhhm fffmpph. Stan: Well, where is she then? Kenny: Hmmm mmmpph fffhhhp. Zoë: Hi. [Everyone tuns around] Cartman, Stan, and Kyle: Wow! [Finally we get to see Kenny's Niece. She is very sexy looking. (Well, for an eight-year-old anyway.) She's wearing a blue pair of skin-tight jeans and a black jumper. She has black hair in a kind of Gillian Anderson style.] [Love hearts appear above Cartman, Stan and Kyle's heads.] Stan: (squeaky voice) Eeeer, hi. [Bus pulls up. Kenny and Zoë get on the bus. Cartman, Stan and Kyle still standing at the bus stop staring at Zoë.] [Fade out] [Fade in. We're now in the classroom at the school.] Mr Garrison: Okay, class settle down, let's not act like we're surrounded by naked women and beer. [Class sit down.] Okay class, for a few weeks, maybe a couple of months we have Kenny's niece staying with us, Zoë Shagum. Zoë, could you come in please? [Zoë walks in] Zoë: Um, hello. All the boys: Wow! Mr Garrison: Perhaps you'd like to tell the class about yourself. Zoë: Well, I've been living in Denver for eight years. I'm Kenny's Niece and I've come to stay with Kenny's family for a while while my parents try to find work in other parts of the country. I like most normal things but I especially like T.V. and especially Terrence and Philip. [Boing sound to illustrate Penis's becoming Erect.] Mr Garrison: Well, I'm sure you'll fit in just fine here. Now, were would you like to sit? Zoë: If its okay I'd like to sit next to that boy. [Points at Stan] Mr Garrison: Yes that'd be fine. (Wendy looks over with a scowl on her face.) [Zoë goes and sits down. All the boys keep on staring at her, with happy smiles on their faces.] Mr Garrison: Okay class, open your work books to page 56, Loveboat episode 21. [Fade out] [Fade in. It's now recess and the all the boys are hanging around Zoë like dogs hang around a bitch on heat.] Stan: So Zoë, do you like.... cows? Kyle: What kind of stupidass question is that? Of course she does! Zoë: Yeah, I do like cows. Kyle: See, dude! Cartman: Do you like Cheesy Poofs? Zoë: Yeah, Cheesy Poofs kick ass! All: Cool! [We pan away from Zoë and the boys and go over to Wendy and Bebe] Bebe: Hey Wendy, what do you think of Zoë? Wendy: She seems to be getting friendly with Stan. Bebe: You don't think? Wendy: She so much at looks at him sexually and I'll fuck her up so badly she'll never come to South Park again!!! [School has ended and the kids get off the bus at the bus stop] Stan: Hey Zoë, can I walk you home? Zoë: Yeah, okay. Kenny's coming anyway. Cartman: No you butthole, I'm walking her home! Stan: No you're not, fatass! Kyle: I wouldn't mind walking her home either. Cartman: Don't you start you Jewish buttfucker! Zoë: Calm down, you can all walk me home. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman: Sweet! [Kids arrive at Kenny's house] Zoë: Well, here we are. Thank you Stan. (kisses him on the cheek, he blushes and a heart appears above his head.) Thank you Kyle. (Same effect occurs.) I'll see you boys tomorrow. Cartman: Ay! Why didn't I get a kiss? Zoë: Because you're a fat, racist, opinionated piece of shit! Kyle, Stan, Kenny and Zoë: Ha Ha Ha! Cartman: Well, I didn't want a kiss anyway you skinny, no titted, tree hugging bitch! [Next day in school. Kids are in class. Chef walks in.] Mr Garrison: Hello Chef, what do you want? Chef: Children, I didn't realise. I've run out of Salisbury Steak! What would you like instead? Cartman: Tuna Casserole! Tuna Casserole! Chef: Okay then. (Notices Zoë) Wow! Who's she? Stan: She's Zoë, Kenny's niece, she's really fit! Kyle: Yeah, she kissed Stan and me last night! (Wendy scowls and goes bright red.) Chef: Well, for an eight-year-old she's very nice. Mr Garrison: You'd be sent for prison and have your nuts chopped and flushed down the loo if you so much as looked at her. Chef: You bitter because you're gay! Mr Garrison: I am not gay! It's just you've never seen me with a woman that's all! Chef: Hey Zoë, would you mind if I sang you a little song? Zoë: Of course not. Chef: Zoeeeee! I'd like to get to know you, get to adore youuu and then we can undress and explore each other, sensually and then were making love baby, having sex baby, love baby, shagging baby, fudging baby.. Mr Garrison: That's enough, chef! Chef: Oh, oh, oh right. [Chef exits] Mr Garrison: I'm sorry Zoë. Zoë: That's okay, it was very flattering. [Fade out] [Fade in. It's now lunchtime. Zoë is again surrounded by the boys, all except Cartman who's mumbling to himself in a corner.] Cartman: Son of a bitch! I can't believe this, it sucks. (Wendy and Bebe walk up to the group of boys] Wendy: Zoë, can we talk to you for a second? Zoë: Sure. I'll be back in a minute boys. (Boys stare at Zoe's Arse as she walks away.) Clyde: Woah! She's got such a hot ass! Pip: Yes, her womanly charms are certainly enchanting me. Boys: Shut up Pip! Wendy: Zoë, I'd like you to know that Stan and me are in a relationship. Zoë: So? That doesn't me I can't flirt with him does it? Wendy: Yes it does! He's my boyfriend! Zoë: Hey, I think he's fit! If I want him I'll have him okay?!! Wendy: No, it's not okay you fucking bitch!!!!! Zoë: Do you wanna a fight???!! Wendy: Yeah, come on I'll fucking kill you!!! (Stan and the others rush over hearing the commotion) Stan: Hey, what's happening? Bebe: Wendy and Zoë are fighting over you. Stan: Are they? Cool! [Wendy and Zoë face each other.] Zoë: Come on you whore! I'll hit you so hard, people'll will hear you scream all the way over in New York! Wendy: Oh yeah? Come on then! Zoë: Arrrrrrrgggh!!!! Wendy: Aaarggggh!! [Zoë kicks Wendy square in the face. Wendy's nose starts to bleed.] Wendy: That does it! I'm going to kick you're oversized arse! [Both rush towards each other again. Zoë gets Wendy into a headlock.] Wendy: Glurk! Let me out! Please! Zoë: Never! [Wendy goes dark red] Kids: Go on Zoë! Break her neck! Cartman: Yeah, kill the hippy tree-hugging bitch! [Zoë lets her go and she falls to the ground. Zoë starts to jump on her face.] Kids: (Whipped up into a blood spilling frenzy) Kill her! Kill her! Kill her! Kill her! Zoë: Are you sure you want me too? Stan: yeah, I hate her now! {Zoë wraps her legs around Wendy's now unconscious body, like in Goldeneye.) Crackkkk! [Wendy's lower intestine spills out! [Dramatic music] Stan: Oh my god, they killed Wendy! Kyle: You bastards! Bebe: Noooooo! My only friend gone forever!! Stan: That was incredible! Kenny: Ccchh hhhhmmphh dddhhh mmmmh? Zoë: If you want later. Kenny: Cool! [Rats eat the remains of Wendy's body} [Fade Out] [Fade In. Kids getting of bus] Stan: Hey guys. I think I've learned something today. Girlfriend and boyfriends are something to be shared with other people. Kyle: Yeah and I learned that jealous people should be treated like pieces of shit on the ground. Cartman: Yes. And I've learned something as well. If I wasn't so nasty then maybe I would get on better with people. Zoë: That's right. That's right. Hey, do you lot want to come over to play spin the bottle later? Stan, Kyle and Cartman: Yeah that'll be cool! [Fade out] [Fade in. Kenny's house. Kids are playing spin the bottle. Cartman, Kyle, Stan and Kenny are sitting in the circle] Stan: Okay, whoever the bottle lands on gets to kiss Zoë on the lips. [Bottle spins around twice before landing on Kenny.] Kyle: It's you Kenny! [Kenny and Zoë move closer together. Kenny undoes his hood a bit to reveal his mouth. They kiss. Kenny explodes!!!!!!!] Stan: Oh my god, she killed Kenny! Kyle: You bastard! Cartman: And I thought you guys were lying when you said her lips were like Dynamite! [End Fic]