SOUTH PARK "Practice Makes Perfect" ____________________________________ TAMMY CORIZIS 11 GEORGIA POINTE-CLAIRE QUEBEC H9R-5V7 CANADA PHONE # (514) 697-0917 TELEPLAY BY TAMMY CORIZIS LITEARY AGENT Terry Chase Chenowith 4822 Hollow Corner Rd. #277 Culver City, CA. 90230 _______________________________________________ FADE IN: EXT. CARTMAN HOUSE - DAY. (STAN RINGS THE DOORBELL. LIANE ANSWERS THE DOOR) STAN Hi! I’m Racewind’s tutor. LIANE Aren’t you one of Eric’s friends? STAN Yes. LIANE He’s upstairs playing Nintendo. I suggest going to see him there. STAN Ms. Cartman, are you aware that Racewind is failing everything except Sex Ed and Moral Education? LIANE Well, that’s why I hired a tutor. (STAN SLAPS HIMSELF IN THE FOREHEAD AS LIANE LEAVES) (RACEWIND COMES TO THE DOOR) RACEWIND (CHEERFULLY) Hi Stan! STAN What are you so happy about? RACEWIND I don’t know... Being single can cause some serious effects on you. So, how are things going with you and Wendy? Did you kiss her yet? STAN Um... No. RACEWIND Afraid? STAN No I’m not afraid. I just haven’t had enough experience. RACEWIND Wuss. STAN (ANNOYED) Look, do you want me to tutor you or not? RACEWIND (SIGHS) Sorry... Sure, come on in. (STAN COMES INSIDE, RACEWIND CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND HIM. THEY SIT AT THE KITCHEN TABLE) STAN I’m really sorry about what happened between you and Kyle. RACEWIND So he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship, after are, there ARE other men out there. (SIGHS) Too bad they all can’t be like him. STAN He says “hi”. RACEWIND Tell him I said “hi” back, ‘kay? STAN ‘Kay. Now, let’s see what we have to work with. (STAN TAKES OUT A CALCULATOR AND PUTS IT ON THE TABLE) STAN (CON’T) Mr. Garrison told me you’re gonna fail Math if somebody doesn’t teach you how to do fractions by the end of the semister. RACEWIND (SIGHS) I know. STAN So, you going to the school dance on Friday? RACEWIND Nah. I’m just gonna stay home and study. STAN Kyle’s probably gonna be there... RACEWIND Yeah, but we’re not DATING anymore. It would just be too weird. STAN So, go as friends. Me and Wendy are going as friends. RACEWIND At least you’ve GOT somebody to go with. STAN (SHRUGS) Ask Kenny. RACEWIND Kenny? The last one he wants to be seen with me. Besides, Eric told me he had a girlfriend. STAN At least you guys don’t always throw up on each other. RACEWIND Oh Stan, you’re too shy. You gotta over-come that in order to get what you want. STAN REALLY? RACEWIND Yeah. STAN Okay, so you’re telling me that if I wasn’t so shy, girls would like me more? RACEWIND I guess so dude, although I’m the last person you’d wanna come to for advice on love, I strongly suggest talking to Chef. I mean, I’ve only had enough love experience in the kissing department and such... Know what I mean? STAN Maybe we can cook up a deal... RACEWIND A deal? STAN Yeah. I’ll tutor you for free, if you tutor ME. RACEWIND (SHRUGS) In WHAT? STAN Kissing. (RACEWIND BACKS AWAY WHILE HOLDING UP HER HANDS AS IF SHE WERE BEING HELD HOSTAGE) RACEWIND Stanley, first off, I have no interest in you what-so-ever. Other than the fact that you’re a good friend. And I feel bad for you, I really do... It’s just that -- STAN (CONFUSED) What? RACEWIND Oh, you wouldn’t understand. STAN Try me. RACEWIND I’m not over Kyle... And, what if we start liking each other in THAT way? STAN Look dude, you know what happens to me when I meet a girl I really like, I barf all over her. That’s something I have to learn to over-come. I mean, I wanna use you as my tutor because I like you buddy-buddy like and we both know it would never work out between us. So, just think of it as a tutoring session. RACEWIND Having your tongue in MY mouth is not what I’d call a tutoring session I’d call it “a desperate friend that REALLY wants help with his love life”. THAT kind of session. But seeing as if you ARE one of my best friends -- STAN AND --? RACEWIND AND you’re offering to give me a free tutoring lesson... (SIGHS) It’s only fair. STAN Horaay! Let’s go work in the closet. RACEWIND Stanley... STAN What? Cartman dude, he’ll ruin everything. RACEWIND (SADLY) He’s the reason me and Kyle broke up. STAN (SHOCKED) Really? You told us that it was all his mom’s fault because she didn’t like you due to the fact that you weren’t a Jew. RACEWIND That’s what Kyle wanted me to say... STAN Oh. Sorry to hear that dude. (CARTMAN ENTERS THE KITCHEN, AND OPENS TAKES OUT A CHICKEN POT PIE) CARTMAN What are YOU two pussies doing? STAN I’m tutoring your half German sister, fat ass. CARTMAN Ay! RACEWIND Come on Stan, I wanna get this over with. Ignore him. CARTMAN What crawled up your butt and died? RACEWIND YOUR MOTHER! (STAN AND RACEWIND ANGRILY LEAVE THE KITCHEN) (CARTMAN MUTTERS SOMETHING TO HIMSELF) STAN Well... I can see why’d you’d be pissed off at him. INT. CLOSET - DAY. (STAN TURNS ON THE LIGHT, RACEWIND PUTS HER BOOKS DOWN AND SITS BESIDE STAN) RACEWIND It’s kind of cramped. STAN So, who tutors who first? RACEWIND You tutor ME, then I tutor you. I mean, you h ave your whole life to kiss people, me I’m stuck with fractions! STAN Okay, okay, you first. (RACEWIND OPENS HER TEXT BOOK) STAN (CON’T) (READING) “If John has one apple over two... Then --” RACEWIND This is too hard. STAN No it isn’t, you just have to learn how to get better skills in... Um, what’s that word? RACEWIND Concentration? STAN Yeah! RACEWIND My mom would be paying you for nothing anyways... I mean, you’d be tutoring me and it would LOOK like I understood it when really I didn’t. STAN Well... I did offer to tutor you for free if you tutored me. RACEWIND It’s only fair... STAN But I’m not leaving until you’ve learned how to do at least TWO more fractions. RACEWIND Well... (SHYLY) Do you wanna move on to YOUR lesson? STAN You’re okay with it now? RACEWIND Hey, you only live once. Why not? STAN I am kind of nervous. RACEWIND Don’t be. STAN This is my first time you know... All my other experiences in THAT department are fantasies. RACEWIND Fantasies are GAY. People need the REAL thing. STAN Do you think... I can hang out with you at the dance in case I get too nervous and shaky around Wendy? I mean, only because I’ll probably know how to kiss by then... RACEWIND (SMILES) Sure, it would be nice to talk to somebody I know. Okay, now when it comes to kissing the rules are very simple. In a closet, you have to play seven minutes in Heaven. (THERE IS A SILENCE) (STAN LOOKS AROUND THE CLOSET) STAN Uh-Oh. RACEWIND But we don’t HAVE ro make it seven minutes because it’s your first time and you’re a little wuss. STAN I AM NOT! RACEWIND Okay then, if you’re not a wuss PROVE it. YOU be the fist to make a move. STAN I’m not a wuss, I just don’t know how. RACEWIND (SIGHS) Fine, give me your hands... (STAN AND RACEWIND HOLD HANDS, THEN LOCK EYES) STAN Um, what’s a FRENCH kiss? RACEWIND Oh... That’s when I stick my tongue in your mouth but don’t worry, that won’t come until LATER. STAN Oh -- Tongue in my mouth? That’s gross! RACEWIND Well Stanely, what did you think making out was? STAN Ooooh -- I don’t think I wanna do this anymore. RACEWIND Oh come on Stan, you dragged me in here don’t be such a pussy! STAN (NERVOUSLY) Okay, okay! RACEWIND (CALMLY) Now... I’m slowly gonna move in and kiss you JUST once, then if you feel comfortable we can move onto something else. Ready? STAN I guess so, dude. RACEWIND Okay... Here we go... (RACEWIND MOVES IN AND GIVES STAN A QUICK KISS) (STAN OPENS HIS EYES) STAN (DISBELIEVED) That was it?! RACEWIND Well, it’s your firts time and I was just gonna show you what it felt like... We can go further if you want... STAN Yeah dude, that sucked! RACEWIND Okay, THIS time it’s gonna be a LONG kiss on the lips. (STAN GULPS) (RACEWIND MOVES IN AGAIN AND KISSES STAN ROMANTICALLY) (STAN PUTS HIS HAND TO RACEWIND’S FACE WHILE THEY KISS)