'The Spirit of Christmas' ------------------------ Episode number: N/A Written by: Trey Parker and Matt Stone Transcribed by stevo (stevo@starkspond.com) {Opening Scene} Boys: We wish you a Merry Christmas.. We wish you a Merry Christmas.. We wish you a Merry Chri- Stan: Hey, wait a minute! Kyle: What? Stan: Aren't you Jewish, Kyle? Kyle: Yeah, I think so.. Stan: Dude, Jewish people don't celebrate Christmas! Kyle: What? Stan: You're s'posed to sing Hanukkah songs! Kyle: ..Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel ..I made you out of clay ..Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel- Stan: That's a -stupid- song.. Cartman: Heh, yeah.. Hanukkah sucks.. Kyle: Don't you opress me, fat-boy! Cartman: Don't call me fat, butt-fucker! Kyle: Then don't belittle my people, you fucking fat-ass! Cartman: God Dammit.. don't call me fat, you butt-fucking son-of-a-bitch! ::Jesus comes down from above:: Kyle: What the..? Kenny: Mmmph! ::Kenny zips up his hood:: Jesus: Behold my glory.. Stan: Holy shit, it's Jesus! Cartman: What are you doing in South Park, Jesus? Jesus: I come seeking retribution.. Stan: ::gulps:: ..he's come to kill you 'cos you're jewish, Kyle.. Kyle: Oh fuck! I'm sorry Jesus.. don't kill me..! Jesus: Fear not.. I love ALL my children. Kyle: -phew- Jesus: Tomorrow is my birthday.. yet all is not right. Stan: You're birthday is on Christmas? That sucks, dude! Jesus: I must find a place called, 'The Mall'. Kyle: Well, we can take you to the mall, Jesus.. Stan: Yeah, it's over this way.. Cartman: Uggh! God Dammit, you stepped on my foot, you Pig-fucker! Stan: Dude.. don't say 'pig-fucker' in front of Jesus! Cartman: Ehh, fuck you. {The Mall} Stan: Here we are Jesus, South Park Mall. Who were you looking for? Jesus: ::points to santa:: HIM! Santa: Ho-ho-ho.. We meet again, Jesus. Jesus: You have blemished the meaning of Christmas, for the LAST time, Kringle! Santa: I bring happiness and love to Children all over the world! Jesus: Christmas is for celebrating MY BIRTH! Santa: Christmas is for GIVING! Jesus: I'm here to put an end to your blasphemy.. Santa: This time we finish it.. there can be, only one! Stan: ..dude, this is pretty fucked-up right here! Santa: Yaaaahh! Jesus: Yoooahh! ::Jesus and Santa clash:: ::Santa picks up Jesus, spins him and throws him:: Stan and Kyle: Go Santa! ::Jesus gives Stan and Kyle and angry stare:: Stan and Kyle: Uhhm.. Go Jesus! Jesus: Yan-kei-to! ::Jesus throws fireball at Santa:: ::fireball misses and knocks over Santa's stand, killing 3 kids:: Santa: Yuko-tu-kei! ::Santa throws blue projectile at Jesus:: ::projectile misses and decapitates kenny, head hits statue:: Kyle: Oh my god! ..they killed Kenny! Jesus: [yelling] Come on, COME ON! Santa: [yelling] You son of a bitch, c'mere! Jesus: Boys, help me put an end to him once and for all! Santa: No boys, help me, so that i can put an end to him! Jesus: God is watching you boys, you know who to help.. Santa: Stan, remember the choo-choo when you were three? Jesus: I died for your sins, boys.. don't forget that. Stan: I dunno what to do dude.. who should we help? Cartman: I say we help SANTA CLAUS! Kyle: Eeh, you're just saying that because he gives you candy.. Cartman: Hey, i don't need to take that kinda shit from a jew! Kyle: You're such a fat fuck Cartman, that when you walk down the street, people go 'God Dammit, that is a BIG FAT FUCK!' Cartman: OH YEAH?! Well at least i.. Kyle: Shut up! ::everybody is fighting and yelling at each other:: Stan: Wait wait, just a second.. now we've got to think here. Now lets see, What would Brian Boitano do? Cartman: Yeah, What would Brian Boitano do? ::Brian Boitano skates into screen:: Brian Boitano: Did someone say my name? Cartman: Brian Boitano! Kyle: What incredible irony.. Cartman: Hey, it's Brian Boitano! Brian Boitano: What's going on, kids? Stan: Okay Brian, who would you help in a fight: Jesus or Santa Claus? Brian Boitano: Kids.. you shouldn't think of things like that. This is the one time of the year in which we all try to get along, no matter what we believe in. This is the season just to be good to each other.. Bye-ee! {Back to fight scene} ::Jesus and Santa are still fighting:: Santa: You fucking pussy, come here! Stan: Hey Jesus.. ::Jesus and Santa halt fighting:: Stan: You have to understand that santa is keeping the spirit of your birthday alive by bringing happiness and joy. Kyle: Yeah, and Santa.. You need to remember that if it weren't for Jesus, this day wouldn't even exist! Santa: You're right kids.. i'm sorry, Jesus. Jesus: No no, it's me who should be sorry. I've been a right bastard. I'm sorry, Kringle. Santa: Thank you boys.. Jesus: Yeah, thank you boys.. c'mon Kringle, i'll buy you an Orange Smoothie. Santa: Oooh! ::Jesus and Santa walk off:: {Closing Scene} Stan: *phew* that sucked.. Kyle: Yeah, but just think, today we actually met, we actually SPOKE, to THE.. Brian Boitano! Stan: Yeah. And y'know? I think i've learned something today. It doesn't matter if you're Christian, or Jewish, or Athiest or Hindu.. Christmas is still about one important thing.. Cartman: Yeah, ham. Stan: NO NOT HAM, YOU FAT FUCK! Cartman: Fuck you! Stan: Christmas is about something much more important! Kyle: What? Stan: ..Presents Kyle: aaah! Stan: Don't you see, Kyle? Presents. Kyle: Hey man, if you're Jewish, you get presents for 8 days. Stan: Wow, really? Count me in! Cartman: Yeah, i'll be a Jew too! All three: Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel I made you out of clay And Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel With Dreidel i will play! ::rats smother kenny:: ------------------------ 'fin